


Nyctophobia

by wordsfaiil



Category: In the Heights - Miranda
Genre: Always there for his man, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Graffiti Pete is a Good Boyfriend, M/M, Nyctophobia, Panic Attacks, Sonny POV, Trans Male Character, Trans Sonny, a series of sonny's phobia, blackout - Freeform, fear of the dark, not really mentioned that he's trans tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-12 18:58:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12966210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsfaiil/pseuds/wordsfaiil
Summary: nyctophobiaˌnɪktə(ʊ)ˈfəʊbɪə/nounextreme or irrationalfear of the night or of darkness.'Sonny closed his eyes tightly, but the dark that came with that too made him wrench them open and look to the only light he could see. He swallowed and choked a little before, finally, he admitted, "It's too dark."'





	Nyctophobia

It was 6pm on a Friday night after a strenuous and sweaty day of work at the bodega, where Sonny and Usnavi were finally back home, slumped, exhausted on the sofa. 

Friday afternoon through till the evening seemed to be the busiest time of the week in the Bodega. Sonny felt like he was being constantly bombarded with customers; being asked the same questions, directing people to the milkshakes, speaking to the locals. He also rung up what seemed to be every damn thing in their store (so Sonny had to restock too) and bagged it all up. It just made it so much worse that he'd come straight from school (even though he only worked at the Bodega for the evening) and Usnavi was already dead on his feet from working the whole day. He really needed to hire someone to work there during the day, really, and although Sonny had definitely suggested Pete multiple times, he'd received a negative response from his cousin multiple times in return. He'd get through to him someday.

Sonny had chugged a large blue raspberry slushy (with crushed M&Ms and some other green coloured food mixed in, which Usnavi didn't dare question) when the day ended after only a gruelling two hours for him. He slurped up the mixture whilst he locked up and flipped the open sign to closed. With a relieved sigh he waited for Usnavi to finish cashing up the money they'd earned today and lock it up in the safe box.

 

Then they'd finally got home and Sonny hand flung himself down onto the sofa and kicked his hi-tops off, Usnavi close behind him who threw down their paper bag full of popcorn and soda onto the coffee table.  
"Movie night?" Usnavi suggested as they shucked off their jackets and dumped them on the floor. Sonny's heart twinged a bit, because now there was no Abuela Claudia shouting at them to put their shoes and coats away. Usnavi cracked open a can of soda, before he handed one to his cousin who dug his freezing feet into the sofa cushions for warmth.

"Heck to the yeah, cuz." Sonny agreed and clinked cans with him and took a long and gross sounding slurp which made Usnavi's mouth twist in disgust. "You're putting it on though, because my legs hurt." 

"I'm picking the movie then, lazy ass." Usnavi snorted and shook his head, but pulled himself up from his seat and clicked their small, ageing TV on. 

"Hey, I've been at school workin' hard all day!" Sonny huffed and burped loudly, then craned his neck to see which DVD his cousin had picked from their large stacks bellow the window. He saw Usnavi pick out a familiar and regularly played De La Vega household movie, one that sadly, Sonny detested with a passion. "Don't put that Pitch Perfect shit on." he groaned.

"Stop swearing! And tough shit." Usnavi cracked open the DVD case and popped the disc in the player. He stood up to go across the room and Sonny payed him no mind and begrudgingly reached for the remote to press the play button. He was _so not_ in the mood for cheesy cliches, featuring constant singing and heteronormative end game storylines. Plus Usnavi always felt the need to sing along to every damn song in a feebly, wobbling tone that reminded Sonny of a bleating goat and it grated against his skull. He swore it was Usnavi who gave him the most headaches.

Then the lights flicked out without warning. Sonny shot up straight in his seat like he did when a teacher slapped their hand down on Sonny's desk when he dozed off. The remote toppled to the floor and sent the film to the menu again. His heart thumped loudly and his throat felt dry so he took a shaky sip from his can of the contents that had slopped over his hand a little and dripped onto his chinos.

 _Everything was fine. It was just Usnavi turning out the lights. The TV's still on. It's not a black out._ He repeated the mantra in his head. Over and over and over.

His breathing was still erratic from jumping and he leant his head against his hand so he could breath harshly into it without Usnavi questioning anything.

Usnavi plopped himself back down onto the sofa and whined, reached down to scoop the remote up and pressed play, "You coulda just started already!"

"You turned out the lights." Sonny sputtered out abruptly and spoke into his palm. He wasn't supposed to say that. The movie began to play again, sending almost comforting displays of light across the room, but that didn't feel like enough.

"Yeah...I did?" Usnavi cocked an eyebrow and took off his own hat to run a hand through the short, dark brown strands which had stuck up all over in small cowlicks from the heat of the Bodega, despite the fact they were balls deep in winter now. Thats why Sonny's infamous cargo shorts had shifted to long legged chinos he rarely ever wore.

"Maybe we should... keep them on?" Sonny suggested nervously and gripped ahold of his knees tensely to stop them from rattling the sofa.

"Sonny, ya know movies are better with the lights out and it's dark outside now anyway." He threw some popcorn into his mouth and Sonny shook his head when Usnavi offered the basketball sized bucket to him.

"Exactly." Sonny muttered shakily under his breath and gritted his teeth whilst Usnavi started to sing along to the movie right on queue. He couldn't focus for even the first 10 minutes, not because he wanted to -in fact he'd love to, because it'd stop his nerves from having a huge-ass party. He felt more and more sick the longer the darkness around him felt like it was getting darker and darker. So much so that it felt like it had grabbed ahold of his entire body and begun to smother him.

"'Navi, I'm not feeling too good." Sonny said in a small voice and looked across at his cousin who looked back at him with worry. Because when had Sonny ever used a small voice? 

"You're not gonna throw up are you?" he asked. "You know how much Abuela hates it when-" he cut himself off with a wince, because they sometimes forgot she wasn't here anymore. Just like how they forgot to not set a third space at the table, or buy her favourite candy or even warm her slippers up on the radiator.

"I dunno. I'm just gonna go to bed." Sonny shrugged and pulled himself up and his whole body felt like jelly and his legs almost gave out from how frightened the dark had made him. He felt kinda pathetic.

Usnavi grabbed ahold of his cousin's shaking hand. "Sonny, whats up? Do we need a doctor?"

"Nah. Nah I've just been feelin' weird all day, probably just tired or somethin'. Night cuz, I'll be fine, yeah?" He lied and smiled reassuringly and pulled his hand out of Usnavi's steady warm hand.

"Okay... just call if you're dyin' or whatever." Usnavi bit his lip and eyed the young boy with worry as he wobbled out of the room with his shoulders hunched.

"Don't sing too loud." Sonny called over his shoulder as he tried to joke and was relieved when it made Usnavi chuckle and dive his hand back into the popcorn bucket. 

"Can't promise anything." He spoke around a mouthful of popcorn then began to sing again.

Sonny nodded and sped out of the room and flicked on every light in his path, even the small useless lamps on just as useless side tables, as he walked quickly to his room and twisted the knob on his bedroom light to the brightest setting. He'd never been more thankful for the light change switch. He'd keep it on the brightest setting all day and night if he had to. Like he'd had since the blackout.

Sonny closed his door firmly behind him and wrenched open his curtains so he could see the one street light outside his home that shone comforting orange beams into his room when he felt the most scared. He stepped back from them and finally slumped down onto his bed with his head in his hands and swiped away some silent tears.

Nothing had been the same since the blackout. The dark was too much for him nowadays, it had gotten so bad it would send his heart into overdrive before he could even stop it. He just felt like the night needed to be lit up with a thousand bulbs till it looked like the sun had risen again. He wished it could always be daytime and that the winter months didn't bring it's shorter hours of sunshine and warmth.

He knew he should've told Usnavi what was up months ago, right from the get go, but his cousin would only laugh when he'd say, _"Usnavi, I think I have a phobia of the dark and it's getting out of hand, because you left me all alone during the blackout. Also, can we buy more lamps?"_  
There was fuck all he could do about it, but panic and swallow back nausea and the deep fear and discomfort that had followed him each horrible night since. Even if he did manage an anxiety free night, he had nightmares to replace it all.

 

Sonny curled up on his bed and switched the bedside lamp on and the artificial brightness of the bulb made his eyes sting. He forced himself to stare at it until he had to let the tears fall and lull him into a fitful sleep. Later on, Usnavi checked on Sonny before he went to sleep himself and pulled the curtains to and flicked out the lights, shrouding the younger boy's sleeping form in the night. He paused with his hand on the door handle and eyed the small form of his cousin, curled on his single bed and fully dressed and twitching in his sleep. He frowned. Maybe Sonny would feel better tomorrow.

\---------  
It happened on a chilly, biting new years eve with everyone gathered in the Rosario's back yard, with the wide green space littered with what looked like the entire barrio residents -even Nina had come home from college to see them all! Benny had been over the moon and glued to his girlfriend's side all day long, excited to have someone to kiss on new years. The whole garden was strewn with zany, coloured fairy lights which wrapped like vines around the wooden white fences that bracketed the backyard and the one shrivelled apple tree in the far right corner. They doused the faces of familiar people in a rainbow of pretty shades, which made them look like paintings. There were also Bodega bought candles helpfully studded in the spaces untouched by the little fairy lights dazzling glow and the house inside comfortably provided a huge lamp of light for everyone to be able to see each other better. 

Sonny felt at peace despite the sky outside being an oil slick of black painted across the sky with the moon the only a dim stamp of natural light swimming in it. He wished he could see the glowing stars he knew were hidden behind the dreadful pollution, but the twinkling candles in the backyard were enough. He watched his friends and family talk avidly and dance to the music which blasted from the boom box Graffiti Pete had helpfully brought over and he was happy to be on the outside of it all. Just sat quietly with Pete himself; his best friend, sharing a small bottle of beer they were both definitely too young to have. Usnavi had allowed it though, just for one night and the two of them grinned harder with each sip they took. Pete had joked that Sonny looked like a badass every time he held the ugly, green bottle which made Sonny giggle and slap him on his thigh.

Pete squinted across the yard at the small stack of fireworks almost towards the end fence by the tree. He checked his watch as he handed Sonny the beer bottle again after taking a gulp. "Fireworks should be starting soon."

"Damn, it's almost midnight already?" Sonny said, surprised. He fished out his phone and checked the screen. 23:52. "Man, a new year is always exciting!" He sipped some more from the bottle and handed it back to Pete so the older boy could drink the last dregs and set it on an already empty bottled, plastic table. They both knew Kevin Rosario would have to clear it all up later and were satisfied to know he'd have a scowl on his face at the sight of it all.

Pete shrugged and pulled an indifferent face, "For you, maybe. Same old, same old for me. 'Least you've got big things ahead of you next year, getting closer to taking finals and applying for colleges. Being a smart ass cookie."

"Ugh, don't remind me, dude!" Sonny groaned and slouched back in the army green, cheap plastic garden chair he was curled up in. He shivered as a gust of chilled wind swept through the yard. "I'm sure something will surprise you next year, Pete."

"Here's to hoping, Sonshine."

Then suddenly all the fairy lights in the garden were turned out and the candles were blown out one by one and Sonny watched in horror as everything quickly turned to mirror the black sky. Everyone was suddenly silhouetted, unidentifiable shapes stood in threatening huddles and Sonny felt like danger lurked within every one of them. He swallowed tightly around the fear that encased him and gripped onto the arms of his chair. "Why are the lights off?" Sonny whispered to Pete and his voice cracked halfway through his question.

Pete glanced at him, confused at Sonny's reaction, "I guess for the fireworks?"

Sonny nodded jerkily and bit his lip hard as heavy anxiety coiled up tight inside him and it was only a matter of minutes till it would burst out of him. He looked back towards the house and saw that the lights were still on in there and all the safety it held, but he felt so frozen to the spot that he couldn't make himself uncurl from the chair and get over there. It'd mean him having to walk through the night, past all those shadows around him, right into the thick of danger. A few uncontrollable gasped breaths snuck out of him and he jumped when Pete wrapped a mittened hand round his arm. His paint stained fingers poked through the half cut off fabric of them. "Sonny? Whats wrong?" 

"N-Nothin'" He said in a small, squeak and he knew it had given him away, because Pete dragged Sonny's chin round so he would face him directly.

"Sonny it ain't nothin'. Whats going on?" Pete said frantically.

Sonny closed his eyes tightly, but the dark that came with that too made him wrench them open and looked to the house, to the only light he could see. He swallowed and choked a little before, finally, he admitted, " _It's too dark._ "

"Too dark?" Pete said, confused. He took ahold of Sonny's hand which had begun to tremor and sweat in his bright, neon orange gloves. Pete squeezed it gently, tried to calm his best friend who gasped like a fish out of water and vibrated with as much gusto as an old direr on a high spin. Pete had never seen someone so shook up, let alone Sonny. Gutsy, bold and brave Sonny.

"It's. It's dark.. like.. the blackout. And I. I can't-" Sonny felt tears burn in his eyes and felt so ashamed of himself. _Why the fuck did this need to happen right before the new years count down?! Way to go, Sonny! Ruin not only everything for yourself, but Pete too!_

The first couple fireworks went off and Sonny jumped like he was struck by lightening as he got the sound memory thrown at him of Pete as he threw fireworks at dangerous looters. Looters who came at them with knives and the intent to stab and steal from the Bodega. Pete seemed to catch on pretty quick, thankfully, because Sonny felt like he might pass out. Pete yanked him upwards and tucked him under his arm and close to his side as he guided them both toward the house. He went as fast as he could move the boy, who shook so much he could hardly place a foot down without tripping over it. They wound round their family and friends who didn't notice as Sonny sniffed and his lip wobbled, their attention firmly set on the fireworks that splattered the sky. They two of them got to the sliding patio door just as Sonny had started to sob. The moment they got inside with the door slid shut safely behind them, the tears seemed to gush out of him.

Pete pulled him further into the house away from any prying, concerned eyes and wiped the tears away from Sonny's cheeks with his thumbs, along with the gross snot on his upper lip. "Sonshine, it's okay. You're inside now and the lights are on, yeah? You're safe and you're with me." He held Sonny's face as the boy nodded and sniffed wetly and then wrapped himself tight around Pete.

A muffled ricochet of powerful fireworks sounded from outside and they both turned to look out the window to the back yard as the multicoloured, pretty lights sprinkled the sky in bursts. Pete rubbed his best friend's back soothingly till Sonny's sobs turned to hiccups. Then the sound of everyone counting down the last ten seconds of the year were shouted through the window pane and Sonny wished more than anything he was out there with everyone, enjoying the night instead of being inside as he cowered and cried like the scared boy that he was.

Pete pulled away a little, his arms still round Sonny's shoulders and he looked hesitant. He glanced between the window and then back at Sonny. 

" _THREE TWO-_ " sounded from the voices outside and Pete sucked in a breath through his nose and smiled at the shorter boy bellow him. "Happy new year, Sonshine." He whispered gently and when the new year struck and the sky exploded with happy, celebratory light and cheers, he pressed his dry, warm lips against Sonny's.

Sonny felt like it could never be dark again.

He was wrong. Because nights still followed days and no cute boy could change that. 

\------  
He was just silently sweeping the floor of the Bodega when it happened, just cheerfully smiling away as he daydreamed about Pete. His _boyfriend_ Pete. His hunky, artistic, skate boarding boyfriend. (!!!!)

Then.

The power went out. 

All of it. 

Every single old freezer that buzzed and rattled with the sign of overdue repair and every single illuminating neon glow above the open fridges to show off milk and stacks of cheese. 

No lights above him in the ceiling, none around him. No lights even _outside._ His breath caught in his throat and he slowly turned to face the reality of what he had been daunting the most since the last time. 

A blackout. 

Another fucking _blackout_. Of course! Of all days when he'd aced a test, made out with Pete in the park when he sneaked out of school on his lunch break and then served his favourite customer. When there was no anxiety within him. Not even an ounce. And here the darkness was. It slapped him in the face and reminded him just how much it still existed, just to make him so terrified he felt about ready to burst into pieces.

"U-Usnavi?" Sonny stuttered and stumbled backwards towards the counter, where he could hear Usnavi swearing as he fumbled around for something behind him. "Usnavi, should I lock the door?" 

Usnavi popped his head up from behind the counter with a blessed be, large torch in his hand. "Nah, not yet. 'Nessa is on her way home from work and I gotta go out and make sure she gets home okay."

"But... but what about me?" Sonny squeaked and held onto his broom handle in a death grip so tight that the wood squeaked in reply.

Usnavi patted him on his small shoulder and grabbed his jacket up from the hook beside the back room door. "You'll be aight, cuz. You did good last time, I trust you with the store." He threw the keys at Sonny and the boy had to let go of his broom to catch them. The sound of the broom as it cracked to the floor made him hold onto the counter behind him to steady his jelly-like body. Usnavi couldn't just leave him! Not here, not like this! Not like before! Leaving him filled with terror as he felt the dark pierce into him like shadows holding sharps.

"But, s-shouldn't you stay? You might get hurt too." He added on the last part as he realised how selfish he was being. There he was, nearly shitting himself, but safe inside the Bodega, whilst Usnavi was gonna be outside risking his life for his girlfriend. 

"I'm sorry, Sonny. Ya got your phone, right? Ring if you need me." Usnavi patted his pants back pocket which contained his phone and walked towards the door. He nodded his head for his cousin to follow as he zipped his winter jacket up so the door could be locked behind him. Usnavi clicked on his bright torch which illuminated the currently silent street and Sonny hoped to whoever above was listening that they had another torch stashed somewhere in the Bodega.

"Answer your phone this time." Sonny gritted out and Usnavi smiled as if this was all no big deal to him. God, if only he knew. If only he knew the anxiety which plagued Sonny and how much this blackout was getting to him already.

"Sure thing, cuz. I'll be back soon, don't go anywhere, ya hear me?" He pointed threateningly at his younger cousin. Sonny nodded frantically, because why the fuck would he step out into a place much darker and full of danger than inside here? Usnavi then nodded back, adjusted his hat and left the Bodega. Sonny was quick to lock up behind him and watched the measly beam of light from the torch Usnavi held disappear towards downtown. Fear pooled lava hot into his stomach and he raced away from the door, almost tripped over the broom handle as he went and ducked behind the counter. The keys he held were biting into his left palm as he began to shake. His breaths came out in harsh, throat ripping pants. He was too fucking scared to look for a torch or grab some candles or even a single, tiny matchstick. Too fucking ashamed of himself to move. Too frozen in place as he heard the first whooping, aggressive shouts of the looters from outside, which grew closer to the Bodega with every torturous second. Déjà vu flooded in. The night felt darker than ever, as if even the sky had turned it's switch dimmer just for the black out. Just to torture Sonny. 

His tears began to fall in non-stop streams and he held his legs to his chest and bit down on one of his knees to quell the noises that wanted to leap from his throat. He could hear loud bangs against the Bodega windows that he hoped would hold strong. He was full of so much anxiety that he doubted he'd be able to even shuffle a few inches towards the back room to grab that handy baseball bat they kept in there on a rack.

Sonny flinched when his phone that he had stashed under the counter when he got to the Bodega after school vibrated against the wood of the shelf and he scrambled for it with shaking hands. The keys clinked to the ground and Sonny was suddenly afraid any noise from him might give him away. Pete's name lit up on his screen. Light! It took him a few moments of courage to pick up and then a few attempts with his tear slicked fingers to answer it and press it to his ear.  
His ragged breathing was audible as it crackled the phone speaker and without a beat, Pete asked without a hello, "Where are you?"

Sonny's throat felt too choked up to even breath let alone make words.

"Sonshine, you gotta try and take some deep, equal breaths and tell me where you're at, aight? So I can come and keep you safe, yeah? Can you do that, Carinó?"

Sonny coughed and tried some deep breaths and managed to spit out in a low whisper he hoped Pete could hear. "Bodega. 'Navi's gone." He wailed when there was a firm crunch again one of the windows and the small splinter of cracked glass. "They're tryna get in!" 

"Sonshine, I'm on my way, okay? I'll be there soon, don't you worry. Can you grab some candles? Light a few?"

"C-can't." Sonny sobbed and dug his nails into his knees. "I'm so scared, Pete. I can't!" 

"Okay, okay. That's okay. Just remember you got the moonlight." Sonny could hear the sound of Pete's worn down Nike's as they slapped rapidly against the sidewalk as he ran. The younger boy wondered how far away he was and was about to ask when Pete began again, "The moons always shinin' out there in that shitty sky and even though it's dark out right now and you're scared, there's still some light. Yeah? Keep thinkin' about that."

"Yeah. Yeah, the moon." Sonny whispered and let out a few more sobs and tried to glance over the counter, past the cash register, in search of the moon. Then he found the big, glowing half crescent in the sky and felt as his chest constricted, almost in excitement. He was right, the moon was still out there like a far away glow stick. "I see it." Sonny croaked and he still cried hysterically and was racked with so much fear, but the more he focused on the moon, the more the darkness and the noise of looters evaded him.

"That's good. I told you it's always shinin'. 'Kay I'm almost there. Can you try and get up and unlock the door for me?"

Sonny began to cry harder again, " _Pete ..._ " He whined.

"You need to, Sonshine. I can't give you a big ol' smooch on that handsome face of yours if you don't. C'mon, just keep looking at the moon as you unlock it, nothin' else. Can you try that?"

Sonny took in some gulps of air and he slowly struggled up and clutched onto the counter for support. "I'm up." He sniffed wetly and wiped some tears away.

"That's it, Carinó. Good job. Remember the moon." Pete's footsteps began to slow and Sonny knew his boyfriend had almost reached the Bodega. His eyes snapped up to the moon and he moved round the counter hesitantly and moved at a snails pace up the dark isle that lead towards the door. 

"I'm outside. You there?"

Sonny cut the call and sped up his walk and didn't even take his eyes off the slice of moon to look at the lock or his boyfriend behind the door as he fumbled with the keys, twisted them habitually and let Pete push the door open. He felt Pete snatch the keys off him as he bustled inside and locked the door up behind him and then he was grabbed into a huge, comforting hug. It seemed like all the fear had been washed away at the touch and he wished it could always be this way. Wished he could even feel safe when Pete wasn't around to be there for him.

"Let's get some candles set up." Pete whispered and kissed the top of Sonny's cap and then his bitten lips. He kept ahold of his boyfriend's hand as he looked down the isle he knew the boxes of candles and matches were in.

 

After a few minutes, he and Sonny were tucked up on the old threadbare sofa in the back room, surrounded by stock boxes with candles littered around them. The candles gave off the light of a softly flickering, glowing fire and Sonny was reduced to small sniffles and calmer breaths as Pete rubbed his back with a warm and solid hand.

"Thank you." Sonny whispered and he reached for Pete's hand so he could kiss his bruised knuckles. He swallowed tightly when he realised that the purpling skin was probably from Pete knocking out a few looters on his way over. That or he'd taken a tumble whilst painting, because yes, he still painted in the dead of winter. He explained that there wasn't many people around to catch him this time of year, because everyone was inside away from the cold and his winter jacket and jeans could also hold more spray cans.

Pete replied only by pulling Sonny closer and sighing. "You need to tell 'Navi about this, man."

Sonny clenched Pete's hand tighter and was careful not to touch the bruises and he shook his head. "I can't."

"You need to, Carinó! You need more help with this and Usnavi is with you most of the time-"

"He won't understand! He's gone and left me here again, even though I'm only sixteen years old! He won't get it, Pete! He'll tell me to get over it, because only little kids are scared of the dark." Sonny let out a noise that sounded too close to a sob so Pete hushed him.

"Okay, Sonshine. Okay." He said respectively and wished they could go back to earlier today, when Sonny had shoved him off the swings in the park and made out with him on the dirty bark bellow them.

Pete stayed with Sonny for the rest of the night until Usnavi called to say he was back. Pete gave Sonny's hand a reassuring squeeze and a pointed look and the younger boy knew he'd have to tell his cousin eventually.

 

\-------  
It was 11pm and Sonny blindly reached for the glass of juice he'd left on his bedside table under his lit up, Spiderman lamp. When his tired fingers gripped around the cold glass and raised it to his parched lips, he found it empty of anything and frowned at it. He must've drunk it all before bed without even realising. He sighed and swung his legs out of bed and took a moment to stretch to pull himself upwards from the confines of his sleep warm blankets.

He stared out over to his window where the curtains had been pulled closed by Usnavi again and bit his lip. Maybe he could... go and get this drink without the lights on. Just turn on his bedroom light and walk down the hall to the kitchen without flicking on every light source around him. Pete had suggested small things like this once and Sonny had never really found the courage to do it. But he guessed now that he was pretty sleep filled and still drowsy, he might be too distracted to worry so much.

Sonny knew he was wrong the moment he stepped out of his room, he'd placed one bare foot onto the carpet of the hallway and his stomach dropped instantly in a telltale way. The kitchen, which he knew was at the end of the hall and to the left, looked like an ominous, pitch black cave with danger lurking within. He gulped and clutched his hand tighter around his glass and he quickly cranked the light change knob of his bedroom light to the highest setting. The kitchen still scared him shitless and so did the hallway that grew dimmer and dimmer the closer it was towards it.

He swallowed and remembered how dry his mouth was and tried to level his breathing whilst his heart thumped like a broken jack hammer beneath his ribs. Then he placed his other foot out into the hallway and that was it, he was out of the direct light of his room. The feeling of unease he'd already expected swamped over him as if he'd jumped head first into a pool of sludge. He had to do this. He _had_ to. He took a few steps up the hall. Paused. Took a couple more steps. Paused. Then a noise of something falling from behind Usnavi's bedroom door made him so scared he screeched and toppled backwards into the wall opposite it and the glass he held dropped and smashed against the floor. He slid to the floor and tucked his knees up to his chest and pulled his arms over his head as he felt his chest constrict with anxiety. The noise in his ears sounded like he was underwater and his whole body felt numb with pins and needles, it left him feeling unable to move.

"Sonny? _Sonny?!_ " 

Usnavi suddenly flipped the hall light on and ducked down in front of Sonny to pull the sobbing boys arms from around his head. "Oh, jesus, Sonny. Whats wrong?" Usnavi moved Sonny away from the glass shards beside him and forward into his chest. He rubbed Sonny's back soothingly and he stared at the broken glass with great confusion.

Sonny just shook his head and clung onto Usnavi's old pyjama shirt, shivering. Usnavi let him sit there for a bit and waited for his younger cousin to calm down before he tried again, "Whats wrong?" 

Sonny wiped at his eyes which felt raw from crying on and off for months. He didn't know if he'd ever cried this much ever. "Don't laugh. Please, don't laugh." He whispered desperately to Usnavi.

"Only if you're not gonna tell one of your knock knock jokes." Usnavi joked and Sonny pushed him away and glared angrily.

"It's not funny!" Sonny snapped and pushed his cousin even further away from him. "Pete was wrong, I shouldn't tell you."

"No, no!" Usnavi grabbed ahold of his shoulders to stop him from standing up "Tell me, I promise I won't laugh."

"Yeah?" Sonny said, his voice cracked to a whisper. 

"Yeah." Usnavi smiled and ruffled his messy, hat-hair curls.

"Okay so..." Sonny started and rung his hand nervously, "It started after... after the... the blackout. Y'know, the one with Abuela..." he trailed off and paused to swallow down some anxiety that had begun to bloom in his stomach again. "Y-you left me in the dark and I was so, scared, cuz. It was so dark and there was so much shouting and you werent _there_ " Sonny's lip quivered and when he looked up at Usnavi, he found his older cousin's eyes were shining with tears too.

"I'm sorry, Sonny." He wiped at his eyes with his thumbs and ducked his head.

Sonny shrugged. "Well, ever since then, I've just. Shit. 'Navi, I'm so scared of the dark! Thats why I always need the lights on and the curtains open. It feels like... it feels like I'm dying when it's dark. I can't breathe and I can't move." Sonny clenched his fist. "I know it sounds ridiculous, but, cuz, I'm so scared _all the time_."

Usnavi reached out and rubbed a hand over Sonny's fist. "It's not ridiculous, Sonny. It's not. And I... I'm sorry I left you... not only on the first blackout, but the other one last week. I shoulda noticed..."

"Yeah, you should've." Sonny snorted sadly and looked up at Usnavi, but smiled in relief too.

"Whats this about Pete givin' ya advice anyway?" Usnavi questioned and smiled back wirily

"He knows about my anxiety attacks n stuff, told me I should tell you."

"Damn right." Usnavi nodded. "That boy finally gave some good advice."

"Wow, I'll send him your compliments." and they both laughed.

Sonny felt a load of weight being lifted from his shoulders and let Usnavi walk him down to the kitchen and turn on every light switch he could see. Even the ones he didn't know were there.

\------  
"We got you presents!" Pete exclaimed happily and dumped down awfully wrapped presents from his ripped up backpack onto the Bodega counter, which Sonny was sat behind, price labelling the stock. "From me and Usnavi!"

Sonny set down the tagger beside the presents with a clunk and stared at the three paint smeared packages in confusion. "But it's not my birthday for another few months, man." He craned his head down a middle isle to meet eyes with Usnavi who smirked back at him. "Usnavi, what the heck is this? When do I ever get gifts from you?"

"Well, only one is from me. Anyway, open the damn things." Usnavi began to stack bottles of mountain dew away into one of their fridges.

He looked at Pete's beaming, alike the wrapping paper, -paint smudged face and smiled warmly. "Aight then." He grabbed one of the first presents, a smallish one and tore the paper open and when he saw what was underneath the paper, he blinked owlishly.

"It's a night light!" Pete bounced up and down on his toes proudly. "For your room."

Sonny could've cried at how thoughtful that was, if only it wasn't dick shaped. 

"That's okay, right?" Pete said unsurely and stopped bouncing. "It glows rainbow colours?"

"Yeah, just hope 'Navi wont mind me plugging in a glowing penis to the wall to make me feel safe. Thank you though." He laughed and sneakily kissed his boyfriends smiling cheek, right on his dimple. He reached for the next present, a medium sized one and ripped off more paper. "Fairy lights!" He grinned and hugged the box to his chest. "Dude, I've wanted some of these since the Rosario's new years party."

"Ah yeah. Those remind me of a fond memory." He pulled a kissy face and Sonny snorted and pushed his face away and tipped his head towards the isle Usnavi was in as if to say _'Gotta act straight right now, please stop.'_ "Last is from Usnavi." Pete tapped the largest present.

Sonny unwrapped it and his lips turned up into a small smile. The box contained a huge torch alike the one Usnavi had used during the blackout. Now he wouldn't have to walk down the hall afraid of his own damn kitchen. Or anyway else for that matter. Even in a blackout, possibly. "Thank's, cuz!" Sonny shouted down the isle.

"You're buying the batteries!" he called back and Sonny shook his head in disbelief, but found that the box had already been opened and when he popped the battery catch, found two double As slotted in there already.

"Yeah, whateva'." Sonnny chuckled and smiled happily.

And later on in the evening, when he flicked out the main lights and his bedside lamp, before he climbed into his bed for the night, he felt a huge wave of comfort pass over him for the first time in months.

Strung around every wall of his room shining gentle, blue burst of light were his fairy lights, then plugged into one of his sockets was one of the glowing night lights that devoured the room in a brilliant glow, and the torch was tucked safely into his bedside table's drawer. He'd been given these tools to help ease his phobia by the people he loved the most and he felt almost fearless for once. The dark seemed so much less threatening and whilst the fear still niggled, persistent and annoying at the back of his mind, he felt like he could stand against it with his shroud of lights and a torch as his weapon.

Sonny would someday make the night fear him!

**Author's Note:**

> my anxiety has been bad a lot lately and whilst the only phobia i have is pyrophobia, i wanted to channel my fear into Sonny's own. So this was kinda cathartic or whatever but i felt super bad for making that lil sonshine unhappy
> 
> (also i'm a little afraid of the dark too sometimes, yet i'm someone who can't sleep without the room being pitch black???)
> 
> a lot of fics kinda mention how Sonny has a fear of the dark and i hope it doesnt seem like i'm ripping them off or anything hhh. i don't read a lot of fics anymore, bc i usually just write em, so if i have !! i'm super sorry!!!
> 
> also this is the biggest standalone i've ever written and now i'm dead it took so long  
> (i'll check for mistakes when i can, because i wrote most of this on late nights when sleep decided it didn't wanna make an entrance)
> 
> follow me on tumblr if u wanna: w0rdsfail


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